Mainly Soccer

Desperate Scousewives: A Front Line Report

Image via sabotagetimes.com

You might not think there are many downsides to working for Kickette, but there are. The actual writing, for one thing. Having to maintain constant vigilance over your secret emergency chocolate bar, for another.

That all pales in comparison to one staffer’s recent assignment, though. You see, when a new British ‘dramality’ show begins, one of us must watch it in case it’s remotely relevant to our lives. This time, our TV correspondent was left scared, helpless and with frizzy hair upon completing episode 1 of ‘Desperate Scousewives‘.

Brace yourselves, Kickettes. It only gets worse from there.

First thing to know? You have to be based in the UK to watch this. So about half of you are perfectly safe.

Second thing? Any show that makes TOWIE seem as culturally edifying as ‘The Southbank Show‘ must be watched at least once. If only to learn that Liverpool might be a lovely shiny city full of friendly people, but as is usual in an urban centre, there is a small contingent of people who should be avoided as if one’s own sanity depended on it.

For example, the entire cast of DS, whose slavish adherence to the activities of ‘real’ Scousewives ensures that walking through the streets with a head full of rollers is still a fashion statement in and of itself. Under normal circumstances, we might laugh, but by that point we were too busy enjoying an application of the infamous ‘Scouse-Brow‘ to some hapless individual to care.

Prior to watching, we kind of figured that Coleen Rooney and Alex Gerrard would be the suns around which this world revolves. What we failed to comprehend is the vast distance between the worlds these people inhabit. This was most amusingly articulated during the Liverpool Style Awards, when localite Amanda Harrington enthusiastically announced the winner of the Juice FM Most Stylish Scouser Award. The bored expressions on the faces of the assembled sub-strata glitterati confirmed what we knew that Amanda clearly didn’t – winner Coleen Rooney wasn’t coming to collect her award. Like, ever.

Poor Amanda. We’d like to say that we have plans to watch next week’s episode to find out whether she gets over the whole charade, but things are not looking good from our – or Joey Barton’s – perspective.

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