Mainly Soccer

Weekend Results: Lairy Monsters & Blooper Beeps

How fortunate that this man was around to make essential repairs to Malaga CF goalkeeper Wilfredo Caballero’s Halloween mummy costume. Heaven knows what we would have been exposed to if he hadn’t.

We’ve done our level best to avoid getting embroiled in any ‘unpleasant controversies’ this week, but events appear to have conspired against us.

If you must discuss the events at Stamford Bridge on Saturday or indeed what supposedly occurred at Loftus Road last week, please observe our rules of etiquette and most of all, be nice to each other.

It’s Monday AND it’s Halloween. We’re sure they’ll be enough fear and loathing in the air without us contributing to it.

EPL

Jay-T. 99 problems and the pitch is one. Images: REUTERS/Eddie Keogh, REUTERS/Dylan Martinez.

When matters off the pitch mean your only friends in football are your fans and your team-mates, the best thing you can do in your next game is keep your head down and repay their faith. Which is why John Terry will have been super thrilled to slip over at a crucial moment for the second time in his career and allow Robin van Persie through on goal in Chelsea’s 5-3 defeat to Arsenal on Saturday.

Fortunately, RvP is a generous soul who obviously felt JT’s pain and offset his hat-trick by embroiling himself in his own conduct row. Sigh. If it’s okay with you guys, we’ll just stick to our remit of making facetious remarks about football players and their shorts. It’s safer.

Elsewhere, Manchester City held tight to the top of the table with a 3-1 win over Wolves, while Javier Hernandez’ 19th minute goal at Everton made certain of three points for Manchester United.  Charlie Adam and Andy Carroll both scored to give Liverpool a crucial 2-0 win over West Brom and Gareth Bale’s fabulous second for Spurs even had QPR manager Neil Warnock applauding as Redknapp’s boys beat the Rangers 3-1. Then he spoilt it by saying ‘it’s a pity Bale isn’t English‘.

We’re saying nothing, remember?

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La Liga

Barcelona’s Gerard Deulofeu. Showing promise in a number of areas. Image: David Ramos/Getty Images.

It was the boy with the electronic shoes’ turn to score the La Liga hat-trick this weekend, but despite Messi’s eighteen minute masterclass and Barca’s 5-0 win over Mallorca, it’s Real Madrid who wake up this morning in pole. Unsurprisingly it was Gonzalo Higuain who scored the only goal in Los Blancos’ 1-0 win away at Real Sociedad, while former leaders Levante slipped to third after their first defeat of the season; 2-0 to Osasuna.

Valencia are fourth after a 3-1 win over Getafe, while Granada can haul themselves from the bottom of the table with an win over Sevilla tonight. We’re not holding our collective breath though – Granada have only won once this season and have five points to show for nine games. Oops.

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Serie A

Gaetano D’Agostino. Yep, you have our attention. Image: Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images.

Siena cutie-pie Gaetano D’Agostino thrust himself into the spotlight and his team into the top half of the Serie A table with a goal in their 4-1 win over Chievo, but the hotter black n’white stripy news came in the form of Juventus. They beat Inter Milan 2-1 at the San Siro to take top spot and condemn Claudio Ranieri’s proud team to the ignominy of hovering just above the relegation zone.

Roma were the losers in a feisty game vs. AC Milan, which saw five yellow cards and Kevin-Prince Boeteng red carded for supposedly mouthing off at an official, while Napoli suffered a 2-1 defeat to a surprisingly chipper Catania side who find themselves in sixth spot. Cesena, on the other hand, are bottom with three points and without a win all season after defeat to Parma. They responded by sacking their coach.

Well, they had to do something.

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Bundesliga

Two for Hunty earns him a photo. Two plus a celebratory strip might have earned him the lead image. Image: REUTERS/Ina Fassbender.

Schalke are up to second this week, after a Klaas-Jan Huntelaar inspired victory over Hoffenheim. They have picked up twenty-one points from eleven matches and are hot on the heels of Bayern Munich, whose 4-0 trouncing of Nuremburg put them five points clear at the top.

Borussia Dortmund dropped points against Stuttgart, allowing Werder Bremen to make up ground with a 3-1 away win against Mainz. Freiburg remain bottom after a 1-0 defeat to Bayer Leverkusen, the goal coming from Michael Ballack.

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Ligue 1

Caen’s Thomas Heurtaux reminds of us of Justin Timberlake. Which can never be a bad thing. Image: REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes.

Yoann Gourcuff scored in Lyon’s 2-0 win over St Etienne, taking his team up to joint fourth spot with Lille, who were only able to manage a 0-0 draw away at Valenciennes. Paris St Germain remain top after a frisky 4-2 win over Caen, but Montpellier are within three points after a 2-0 win over Nancy.

AC Ajaccio lost 2-0 to struggling Bordeaux, and continued their occupation of the bottom spot.

We’re sure they’re thrilled.

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Remember, keep it light, peeps. Our comments moderator rules with a rod of iron in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other and is unlikely to be tolerant.

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